THE KING & THE PRESIDENT

THE STRAIGHT DOPE

Part 2

Elvis arrived decked out in a black suede jumpsuit and his Captain Marvel cape festooned with gold chains. The ensemble was accessorized with amber aviator shades disguising his Revlon eye-shadow and mascara.

 “You dress pretty wild, don’t you?” ventured the Quaker chief executive as an icebreaker. 

“Mr. President,” responded the heavily medicated King, “you got your show to run, I got mine.”

The two proceeded to discuss the scourge of drugs ravaging America’s youth. For some time now, the King had been taking liquid cocaine for performances, and massive quantities of narcotics throughout the day. As for the President, he had a bourbon monkey on his back, as well as a soft spot for Dilantin, a drug usually administered to epileptics, but which he found helpful for his nerves, his mood swings, and depression.

After the meeting of minds, both shook hands for a photo-op before a bank of American flags. Then Nixon give Elvis a federal narcotics agent badge which for the King – who carried 40 honorary precinct badges from around the nation – was a true jewel in his crown. In exchange, Elvis – who had just dropped $20,000 on firepower that Christmas -- gave Tricky Dick a commemorative Colt .45 revolver. 

The singer later laid a Colt .357 snubnose on Spiro Agnew who had visited him four years ago on the set of Spinout. But the vice-president -- who would resign due to income tax evasion -- turned the piece down on principle. Elvis also tried to offer his services to the man whom he considered “the greatest living American”: J. Edgar Hoover. The cross-dressing FBI head, however, refused the King an audience due his “exotic dress” and the length of his hair.

When the King returned to Graceland with his trophy narc badge, his kid step-brother, David Stanley, asked how much he had paid for it. 

“That’s not funny!” snapped Elvis. “I am the ears and eyes of President Richard Nixon!” Then he broke out his artillery, mustered The Guys – the Memphis Mafia – and told them, “All these dope smoking hippies should be arrested!”

He ordered David to draw up a list of all the dealers at his Memphis high school, then he called his friends at the MPD and had them send over rap sheets of the other pushers in town. But soon he was back on the road and never got around to collaring anybody. 

He did, however, shoot his own primary care pusher, Dr. George Nichopolous. When Dr. Nick threatened to cut back on his narcotic injections, the King pulled his piece and sprayed his hotel suite. One slug ricocheted off the TV and wound up in Nick’s chest. 

“Son, good God almighty!” cried his father, Vernon. “What in the world made you do a thing like that?” 

The loaded King snickered: “Aw, hell, daddy, so I shot the doc. No big deal. He’s not dead.” 

But the President Nixon’s eyes and ears gave his pusher a gold Mercedes for the inconvenience.