THE GITMO GRAMMIES

"For me, the lyrics are a…  freedom to express my insanity.

If the Iraqis aren't used to freedom,

 then I'm glad to be part of their exposure."

         So said American patriot, James Hetfield, Metallica’s frontman. At the time, his hit, “Enter Sandman,” was being used to soften suspected terrorists at Guantánamo. Defending its use in interrogations on the grounds of equal opportunity, the singer noted, "We've been punishing our parents, our wives, our loved ones with this music forever. Why should the Iraqis be any different?"

         Now, five years later, Hetfield seems to have changed his tune. Recently he expressed sympathy for Eddie Vedder, Limp Bizkit, Meat Loaf, and his many other colleagues who support of the Zero dB Initiative against “music torture.”

         But not all metal artists have had second thoughts about expanding their fan base to Middle Easterners. "I take it as an honor to think that perhaps our song could be used to quell another 9/11 attack,” said Drowning Pool’s Stevie Benton. His band’s hit was “Bodies,” also a theme for wrestling’s December to Dismember, as well as Rambo 2008.

         “Let the bodies hit the FLOOR. Can’t take much more!”

         Though a durable people, Muslims seem unusually sensitive to stoning by infidel rock, particularly thrash metal.

         “I can bear being beaten up, it’s not a problem,” Guantánamo prisoner, Ruhal Ahmed, recently said on release. But after being racked by Queen’s “We Will Rock You” and Eminem’s “Brain Damage,” he confessed: “You feel like you’re going mad. You lose the plot.”

         Tom Morello, of Rage Against the Machines, feels Ahmed’s pain. “The fact that music I helped create was used in crimes against humanity sickens me,” he declares. “It may be Dick Cheney's idea of America, but it's not mine.”

         The former vice-president, an avid water sports fan, was indeed a pioneer in the field of aural waterboarding. As Reagan’s Secretary of State, Cheney flushed General Noriega from Panama’s Vatican embassy with boomboxes blaring “No Place to Run,” “You're No Good,” and “Welcome to the Jungle” – plus the Howard Stern Show. Though trained in Psyops, the drug kingpin (a Wagner lover) was soon brought to his knees and to justice.

         Two years later, the FBI serenaded David Koresh at his Mt. Carmel polygamy fortress with Nancy Sinatra’s “These Boots Were Made for Walkin,” Billy Ray Cyrus’s “Achy Breaky Heart,” Christmas carols, and screaming rabbits. In response, the Branch Davidian messiah gave as good as he took. He blasted his own rock songs back until the feds cut his electricity and broke out the tear gas.